Bird Turds X 2

• This edition of Bird Turds is based on a youtube video of a turkey fight that S. Higginbotham told me about. And also it is based on the internet.

• Happy birthday to Happy Thawts, my erstwhile Canadian co-host. She just told me that she never had red velvet cake, which leads me to believe that they don't have red velvet cake in Canadia, which makes sense, since red velvet cake is totally awesome.

• From the "Millions of People in Addition to Me Care, But Still It Feels Like Nobody Cares But Me" file: I've been sort of mildly bummed out since Artie attacked his assistant and quit/was fired from the Howard Stern Show. I'm betting it's a hoax, though. So whatever. You guys don't care.









• So so far I've made ten Bird Turdses. (I have released nine of them, but I'm holding back on one. Because, I mean. What if I can't think of one for a while, you know? But if you ask me - and reading this at all constitutes an implicit asking-of-my-opinion on your part - today's two-fer makes up for my keeping one in the clip.)

Being at ten lends itself to all sorts of questions about which I've just begun to entertain the idea of thinking about answering, but that I won't get into here quite yet. Ten is a nice number, anyway, I think. It's nowhere near a number that would be at all comparable to the output of cartoonists both contemporary and throughout history, though.

What are there? Like a thousand Laugh-Out-Loud Cats strips? And then Los Bros have been telling stories about Palomar and Maggie and Hopey for something like twenty-five years now. And in terms of Charles Schulz, forget about it. So. What I'm saying is that I don't want anyone to fuck around and think that me making ten crude Bird Turds comics is even anything like what these dudes have done.

But I think that even having only done ten, even at the beginnings of things, you start to get an inkling as to the way things might end up going. It is already happening that I am beginning to shape the experiences that I'm having into panels and dialog in my mind while they're happening. I think that this is an encouraging phenomenon on two fronts. First, I think that it might be symptomatic of what might one day evolve into a technique of some kind. And secondly, it might be a common thing to have happen, and if it is, then it might be a difficult thing to just "turn off." And if, for the sake of argument, we assume that all that is true, then it gives rise to the notion that maybe there's a secret hidden cache of never-released Calvin and Hobbes comics somewhere in the world.

• Ok. So anyway. It had been a while since I checked out the Top 5's over at Crailtap but today I checked out Tim O'Connor's Top 5. The shit is hilarious. Especially when he gets to the part about that horrible garbage that precedes the best show ever.

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Two-Post Tuesday Even Though It's Wednesday

• I'm just going to make this one post look like two posts 'cause I can't decide how else to do it. (Expandable posts know-how: I needs it.)

• You know, I spend a lot of time listening to Howard Stern on Sirius every day, mainly because it creates the illusion that I have friends. And because damn always listening to lily-livered talk radio all the time. But really, really the best shit ever is Riley Martin's show on Tuesdays at midnight. Have you heard of this guy? Man. What an eloquent kook! Kind of.

• Message to die-hard fans of the Gorillaz: there won't be any more records, and you can fuck yourself.

• If you can find the "XXX" flavor of VitaminWater anywhere, buy all of it. It's the new hotness. And you might never see it again. (Sometimes that works out, sure, but not in this case.)

• Have you heard that Dan Deacon joint? You should, because it's great, and it'll keep your mind off the impending White Stripes release that is driving you insane with anticipation right now.

And Now, Jush Contributes The First Installment of His "Rob & Big Review"















• I am not even one sentence into this, my first review, and I already feel like I have been put on waivers. The MTV reality show Rob & Big provides small insights into everyday life, especially if you are a mega-wealthy skateboarder who can afford to do anything whenever he and his large black bodyguard feel like doing work. For instance, if you ever hire your cousin as an assistant, you must remember that he or she has probably never completed a day of actual work in their lives. Mucking the mini-horse stall in your backyard will probably not be on the list of priorities for that person's day, and neither will cleaning dishes or picking up the occasional "dog log." The main question is how to correct the problem of laziness? The answer is not so simple because there are three different paths you can take. One, leave things the way they have become and expect to find topless maids dusting - not bad, but also not too cost effective. The second option is to fire your cousin and hire David Patrick Sammons. The only problem with him is that he doesn't actually do anything. He has a day planner that makes him look very official, but when it comes time to take that fucking suit off and do work, he would rather hire someone else. Again, not too cost effective. Finally, you decide on the third option, which is to get your cousin a job at the local Burger Central just to let him know what real work is. Then you must test him so here is what you do: go through the drive-thru and order one large chocolate shake, one double burger (no bread no cheese), eight corona fish tacos, and four orders of hot cakes. Drive up to the window, and tell your assistant to climb through that window, and to get into the backseat. Now, I know what you are thinking: how do you handle an overly aggressive mini-horse that you, the owner, are afraid of? Perfect timing! I've got the answer. Find the local mini-horse trainer, who is probably the craziest looking person in your neighborhood, go to her house, walk past her knife collection to the stables in the backyard, damn near lose a limb because of the goat that is just walking around, and then agree to meet at the local horse training facility over the weekend.

Brett sucks,
Jush.

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